What Growing Up With Strict Parents Actually Does to You

There is a really funny hashtag trending right now about what growing up with strict parents looks like.  Those of us who relate to these statements of memes get to have a good laugh at the situations that caused a good amount of conflict in the house for years.  Most of these are funny -- like, really funny.  Feeling like we are not alone in this joking manner can relieve some of the stress that we feel against the items in these tweets.  Here are just a few of the ones I found:

Are you laughing?  I did.  A lot...

Disclaimer:
The rest of this article deals with the effects this kind of upbringing might have (at least, this is how it affected me) on kids.  This is in no way saying that parents should be completely foregoing of rules.  I believe that structure and discipline are important.  But this is what happens when parents are in denial about how strict they are or if they don't care that they are strict.

Side affects of being emotionally abused
These are a small number of the things I have noticed have resulted from the kind of parenting I received:

• Reluctance to acknowledge the problems I have may be more than just my fault (refusal to want to blame my parents)
• Lack of being able to talk about emotions
• Lack of willingness to accept any kind of flattery because I feel like I am not actually worth it
• Always apologizing for everything
• Unwillingness to try anything or make choices out of fear of being wrong
• Lack of ability to depend on others
• Guilty feelings if I decide I want something for myself (to try a different career path, buy a new shirt, etc.)
• Lack of socialization
• Being afraid to make friends
• Or being really bad at keeping them
• Anxiety about every decision I make
• Constantly wondering "What would my parents think?"
• Feeling like everything I say will be brushed off
• Especially if I ever tried to talk to my parents about how I feel
• Compulsive lying
• I was talking to a friend about how we just spout things off sometimes without realizing it.  It can be big stuff, but it is usually details that are totally unnecessary.
• Feeling like I have to constantly prove myself
• Insecurities about any flaw that has ever been pointed out by my parents
• Not crying.  Ever.  Feeling embarrassed if you do cry.
• The fact that I will not share this on my Facebook before I make sure my mom can't see it

It's not just me...
There are a lot of studies out there about why such strict parenting is harmful.  A lot of times, strict parenting is combined with emotional abuse.  This means that the child is belittled in their home, and cannot get away due to strict rules and disciplinary ideas.  But, let the experts tell you.

http://www.healthyplace.com/abuse/child-psychological-abuse/what-is-psychological-abuse-of-a-child/

http://www.teach-through-love.com/types-of-emotional-abuse.html

http://www.teach-through-love.com/effects-of-emotional-abuse.html

http://motherhood.modernmom.com/longterm-effects-strict-parenting-17796.html

You can Google it if you need more...

My Story
I have a lot of sisters.  My dad worked all the time.  My mom had several mental disorders and hardly left her room until I graduated high school.  I am the oldest.  I started taking care of my sisters when we moved to another new place.  I was seven.  My parents fought with each other.  They fought with us.  We fought with each other.  They got divorced and back together.  Not a day went by without some big argument happening.  So that is the shortened version of my cliche "Loss of Childhood" story.

I, personally, never rebelled.  I was too afraid of getting caught and, like, killed.  I don't think my parents knew they were emotionally abusive.  They know that they were strict, but also think they let up on a lot of rules.  In general:

• I did not ask to stay at a friend's house until my senior year (and only once then), except for the girl who lived across the street.  My mom was friends with her mom, though, and I always had to be home by nine the next morning.  Also, I never asked.  My friend had her mom ask my mom.
• I was homeschooled until high school, not by my choice.
• My sisters and I did all of the chores in the house.  My mother hardly left her room to eat, never mind clean.
• I could not date until I was sixteen
• When I did start dating, my curfew was 8:00.
• When I turned 17, it was moved to 9:00.
• I showed up three minutes early one night and was grounded for two weeks for being too close to the time limit.
• I could not get my license until I was 18.
• I could not be anywhere that they did not know my exact location.
• I could not ride in friend's cars.
• My parents would often brush off answering me if I asked to go to an event (a school play or birthday party).
• They then would deny that I ever asked and say no.
• If they did ever say yes, it was with a glare and growl like I asked them to cut off their arms.
• Also, the amount of chores I would have to do up until I left and after I got back home would have multiplied.
• When I started high school, my mother started to assume I would become a hellion.
• She would yell and curse at me and tell me really horrible things about my future.
• She would tell me I was a bitch that needed to get off her high horse
• This was after I told her she spelled "carrot" wrong
• She screamed at me that I was going to get pregnant in high school and ruin my life (I never had sex in high school).
• She called me promiscuous for having guy friends.
• She would slap me and my sisters.  These slaps would often progress to borderline abuse.
• I watched my sister cowering with her hands over her face, curled up in a ball, while my mother yelled on.
• My mother interpreted the hands covering her face meant that my sister wanted to slap her.
• This lead to my mother getting more angry and aggressive, pushing and shoving my sister around on the couch.

The thing is, it always seemed like just my mom.  But what my dad did was just as influential.

He did nothing.

He knew what was happening.  He saw it and heard it.  But he didn't stop it.  He would occasionally tell her to stop yelling, but he just mostly sat there and looked at the TV.  It was so twisted.  He acted like the more stable and in control one.  But he contributed to the ideas of high expectations and family pressure, with the added bonus of me feeling like this emotional abuse was normal.

From all of this, I have developed an anxiety that revolves around what my parents think of me.  If I am ever presented with a choice, I freak out for days, weeks, or months over making the wrong decision.  After I make a decision, I very unwillingly tell my parents and wait for ridicule.

• I changed my major
• "So, you wasted all of that time?"
• "What are you going to do with THAT?"
• "Yeah, that seems worth your time."
• I got my first serious boyfriend
• "Why would he want to date you?"
• "You know he just wants sex."
• "You just want attention."
• When I married that same serious boyfriend
• "You'll be divorced in ten years."
• "Oh, you mean the daughter that got married too young?"
• When I confronted them about me feeling attacked
• "I'm your father, not your friend."
• "I'm not supposed to like it."
• "You're being too sensitive.  Take a joke!"

Not only do I have this anxiety, I usually will be sent into a depression spell.  Now, I have gotten a lot better about this.  I have good friends now who are able to talk things out with me.  I have a God who I know loves me and tells me about who I really am (and that that real me is NOT dependent on what my parents say).  But, it is not possible to be rid of altogether.  Just thinking about my parents even reading this article makes my stomach turn and want to throw up.  I feel physically ill just thinking about what they would say to me or how this would make them feel.  This is one thing I can't see myself talking to them about, along with:

• My church or beliefs
• My financial decisions
• My friends
• The way I think about or interpret books or movies or songs
• Feminism
• Politics
• My major
• My classes
• What I want to do with my life
• My marriage
• Stress
• How I feel
• Children

All of these come from things I have been judged by them for.  I consider the most important things on my life to be on this list!  I talk just enough about a few of these things that they think I am telling them important stuff.

I can honestly handle if my parents are just being honest with me.  I love honesty.  But, when comments are aimed to hurt or degrade, I want to sink back and never come home again.  There are some seriously messed up things that should just NEVER be said to your children, and then add the fact that the comments are from you!

• "Just because you are a slut doesn't mean you should teach your sisters to be."
• "Learn your place."
• "You'll just work at Hooters one day."
• "You are expected to do better, and it looks bad on us when you don't."
• "I guess I'll just move away.  I can kill myself if that would make you feel better!  I can go to sleep and not wake up.  Would you be happy then?"

Here is the tricky part:
Strict or emotionally abusive parents can:

• Say I love you
• Do good things
• Give their children things
• Be considered good people
• Love their children

But, NONE of these excuse  parents from the life they threw at their child.  NONE of this makes up for the sleepless nights spent crying.  NONE of this makes up for the fact that the parent who reads this article MAY STILL BRUSH IT OFF!  Do not pretend that this is not you, if you know it is.

How to recognize a strict parent

Strict or emotionally abusive parents make their children feel guilty for asking for anything.  They rarely, if ever, admit they were wrong about something.  They hardly ever say sorry.  They make judgments of what their children like in a harsh way.  They are non-supportive and degrading.  They use guilt trips on your child.  They don't trust their children, and are constantly monitoring them.  There are some ways you can recognize if this is you.

• First of all, if you refuse to think that your child could feel this way
• If you have ever read their texts or diary without a severely just cause
• If you took things away because of or put a huge focus on grades
• If you feel like they don't talk to you about things
• If they don't come around a lot after they left the house
• Or, if they do, making them feel guilty for not coming around more
• If you ever purposefully made them feel guilty about anything
• You know if you have
• If you have ever tried to degrade your child
• "You're not good enough to do that."
• A more common form is phrasing insults like a compliment
• If you make jokes at the expense of your child and then brush it off or chastise them if they are hurt
• If you refuse to get involved in your child's emotions
• If you assume they are too young to know things or see things that happen or have opinions
• If you EVER say the words "Know your place."
• If you don't listen to them during an argument

You are probably emotionally abusing your children on some level.

What you can do as a parent

You need to address this.  Like, now.  I want you to talk to your child, I don't care what the age is.  I want you to ask them if you have ever said anything hurtful to them that still bothers them.  I want you to realize they might not want to tell you because they are afraid.  I want you to listen to them and not react quickly.  I want you to realize you might think some of their thoughts are irrelevant or that they just don't understand, and then dismiss those ideas entirely.  I don't care if they tell you they are angry you told them the moon wasn't made of cheese.  For this moment, at least, I want you to absorb everything they say.  DO NOT guilt trip them.  DO NOT try to make them feel bad for being honest and getting things off of their chest.  Also, do not assume that if they didn't tel you anything that nothing is wrong.  It took me a long time to figure out the root of a lot of my issues.

What you can do as the child

Here is the best link I have found so far:

https://theinvisiblescar.wordpress.com/suggestions-for-adult-survivors/

Get help.  Talk to people.  Don't keep this bottled up.  It can and will come back to haunt you and try to mess up your future life.

Also, don't give up.  One day, you won't have to live under this oppression from your parents.  Another thing I would suggest is find out what God says about you.  Discover how much he loves you and would never abuse you in this way.  All you have to do is see what he says.  You don't have to commit to anything.  In fact, ask me, if you need someone who won't judge you or force you to do anything.